Monday, March 24, 2008

The Spoof: Death Now Classified as Mental Illness

from The Spoof:

(Philadelphia PA) A recent conference of doctors, scientists and pharmacy representatives at the University of Pennsylvania voted to list death as a mental illness.

The disorder is characterized by withdrawal from reality, low body temperature and loss of bodily functions. The disorder can inflict almost anyone at anytime according to the conference but is curable. A new medication can either control or cure the syndrome.

"Death is simply severe depression and catatonia with associated physical disorders." said chairperson Dr. Buddha Quackery.

Conference attendees were informed Merck recently developed a pill called 'reviverin' to reverse the disorder. Shares of Merck climbed 1000% yesterday on the New York Stock Exchange.Reviverin is still in developmental stages according to Dr. Quackery.

"We expect the pill to be bigger than viagra, only because both men and women and even children can use it."

But clinical trials have not been promising yet, according to Dr. Quackery.

"Most patients simply refuse to swallow the pill; the patients can be very stubborn! One of our clinicians, a Dr. Jesus DiNazarian, had great success with a patient named Lazarus Judean and we are working to repeat the results.

"The conference also voted to list 'life' as a mental disorder. Medications are being developed to control this disorder as well.

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