7:43 PM
Ovidia
Adding even more sadness to what is quickly becoming a typical Hollywood career implosion, Knut the polar bear was arrested today along the Pacific Coast Highway while driving under the influence. Malibu police also found trace amounts of cocaine and heroine in a cooler filled with sardines in the back seat. “We think he was attempting to ditch the cooler into the ocean immediately after we pulled him over,” officer Aprile Pazzo commented. “We quickly tranquilized him and called in refrigeration backup.”Even more disturbing, it appears that Knut was caught hurling species-related slurs while stumbling out of his vehicle. “He pretty much condemned the human race and said we were destroying his homeland,” Pazzo continued. “It was then that he offered to hook me up with DiCaprio if I would let him off with a ticket. Too bad for him, I’m a Johnny Depp fan.”
As a child-actor, Knut rose to fame by appearing as a symbol of climate change. After a string of magazine cover appearances, book deals, and movie contracts, the pressures of Hollywood really started to take a toll. “I just could not believe how much weight he gained in such a short period of time,” exclaimed former trainer Madge Prisney. “From a cuddly 30lbs to over 250lbs in just one year! It’s hard to watch.”
Knut is currently being held in an undisclosed location until law officials figure out the next course of action. “He’ll need rehab for sure,” added officer Pazzo. “And you can bet those people from True Hollywood Story are going to come calling. If I were him, I’d just catch the next iceberg out of town.”
It’s worth noting that this article was originally published April 1st.
